5/3/24 :: rambles
I came back 2 this blog looking for proof of an event/date of an event but I cant find it for shit but looking thru the past blog posts, ignoring the immense embarrassment, I feel inspired again 2 write.
this blog crosses my mind infrequently and only occasionally.
its the summer. I've started wearing shorts. but i somehow fucked up (despite checking the weather) and wore jeans for fashion or something.
sometimes I feel like I just need 2 reel it all in and reinvent myself.
testing this week was kind of miserable. I keep slipping into these pockets of time where I'm just kind of disconnected from reality. especially with the testing schedule at school think that messed it up. doing math for three hours straight, trying to unlock knowledge locked away in the depths of my brain (cause i learn and forget) matched with the timer that miraculously goes by so fast and the pressure of everyone else being around me, being surrounded by people who just have no awareness and just talk. and not having any friends in my testing space, cause I have no friends at school
everything I write I regret later. maybe its time for written entries. I don't even know if anyone reads these. my best person sometimes texts me about something I wrote weeks or months after. maybe its time to log off the internet.
I redownloaded Instagram like the scum I am? I guess. I set a 15 minute time limit but I always end up breaking it. on one hand its a good resource for news on Palestine and also a plug 4 my favorite artists but also sometimes I find myself on the app for no purpose. I redownloaded it so people at school had a way of contacting me because I was tired of explaining my dilemma. and also its less embarrassing having it than snapchat lmfao.
my screentime is higher.
the sun is terrible but I secretly enjoy it cause I can wear all my summer clothes. I was thinking about this earlier omg! sometimes moments of time or events inexplicably have a weird place in my heart/head. I always feel nostalgia for the feeling of summer in summer. I assume its because my happiest moments are out of school, during summer break, butt he feeling of the warm wind and harsh sunlight shining through the trees leaves, seeing the leaves light up in a vibrant green and become complex shapes with the overlapping bits of leaves being darker. I've tried drawing this but my renditions of this feeling never go well. ANYWAYS OFF TOPIC. I don't know why summertime holds such a special place in my heart. its the only season that I feel is distinctly an 'event'. when its winter I let it happen. its getting colder. it snowed. but when it gets hot, its like special. my favorite month I've proclaimed was always autumn but summer has the specialist place in my head/heart. I hope this is articulate.
I've been taking more selfies because I'm in some like self impowerment era but I still hate myself a lot of the time. I hate selfies especially. 1. never look right 2. never look normal 3. hate being jumpstarted by my face 4. embarrassed/self-concious when people see pictures of myself in my camera roll 5. just don't like pictures of myself cause I don't like seeing my face.
ik its not summer btw northeastern america its just spring but boy shut up
-lou <3 12:06