12/29/2023 - crazy
today i went with my friend to watch the new ghibli movie 'the boy and the heron' and hmm wow how curious. i think im just dumbas fuck cause half of it didnt make sense to me and it felt like things were just happening and happening and then it ended? so much was introduced and so much was left unexplained idk. it was still good and i thought some parts of it were creative. this was my first in real life ghibli movie and first ghibli movie ive ever watched actually ill rate this experience too confusing to dilute down into a number but still enjoyable but also a mind stew type shit/10
we also fucked around at the target which was near the movie place. there were a lot of other teenagers i guess there too fucking around too; i guess target is the place to be if youre a terrible person and wanna have fun
today was so draining. the movie was at 7:30 (?) and ended at 9 and im just so tired right now but dont want to go to sleep yet. im so bummed out about my phone breaking. i used to go to sleep reading webtoons/a03 and now i cant its heartbreaking....i sound so fucking lame when i put it like that but there are tons of more important things i need my phone for obviously, trust..!!! now i listen to asmr. its a bit embarrassing to admit but it does help me sleep i think? the constant whispering and pace of asmr + the other "satisfying" sounds i guess feel so nice to me idk and i do fall asleep pretty quickly to them.
worst part abt not having a phone is not being able to listen to music on carrides. now i just have to listen to whatever trash pop hit garbage the radio station is playing........i need bladee so bad.......ughghfhejrkfhefbjwemdmwn.dlkewhdw;edjq;wjdn.,andjghiealkbdfgjshkda.....i havent been able to listen to eversince 128930183 times every day r u kidding me!!!
SPEAKING of bladee --> gtbsbe --> yung lean my friend and i finally exchanged our not-secret christmas gifts to each other :3 i gave her a denji figure and she gave me yung lean merch i asked for lolololknbjk. its so big on me but it goes hard yeah.
overall im just really drained and tired but not ready for bed yet i guess. im getting ready to sleep but i feel like im wasting/wasted my break? i did not much besides coding cause i cant draw since my phone (which i draw on primarily) died and though i drew some stuff on paper its all kinda not notable i think. i wanna draw digitally again :( this computer will not cut it!!!!!
and ummm if i am allowed more room to say girl thoughts...ive been thinking about guy an uncomfortable about recently. i hate it. i dont even know him! but my brain spirals around and goes insane. i dont even know why i like him. i just saw him in the hallway once and my brain registered him as someone who looked ok (downplaying for safety of ego) and didnt seem to have a butt fucking ugly personality either.,fhekrjsbdlewhg I HATE TALKING ABOUT THIS but then i read other peoples blogs where they write passages upon passage on their stupid crush and it makes me feel some sort of validation like "were in this together. we are all hopeless together". but then i do it and suddenly i dont feel happy for myself like i do others; its just cringe when i do it???? why?????!!
to be real i like him only cause his appearance and that makes me crazy shallow i realize but my small crushes always grow and become huge ones cause im just.....bored. but also the prospect of them makes me so happy and excited ughfjewk this is so stupid ill shut up now. and if anyones wondering (no one) i didnt give him the ramune cause he didnt even come to school day before break LOL that was FUNNY (soul crushing)
okk this is it ___
wait did i talk about how i dyed my hair I DYED MY HAIR!!! or more accurately my mom dyed it for me but now its a very subtle brown and its awesome. but at the same time im having like face dysphoria i dont like other people seeing me especially strangers my age it feels like everyones judging me and its mad uncomfortable. i feel so unpretty sometimes and its uncomfortable being in my skin. what a terrible note to end on.
let me save it tho; heres a song from an album i recently discovered and listened to courtesy of bandcamp reccomendations. its a electonic something something adventure its great just listen to it you fuckbie <3 lou