11/11/23
today was very much a nothing day where most of my time was spent purely sifting through my own thoughts.
i started today going to my tutoring programs first in person event. it was embarrassing. my hair was so fucking goofy. i thought i got over my epoch of hating the way i looked, my bangs finally finding a way to sort of behave like bangs should but ehhh. i guess i shouldve taken a shower the day before. i didnt though, actually, strategically, cause i thought it would look better if i didnt, but it didnt. so funny
i saw my old friend there. due to >things< that happened we drifted apart. i didnt talk to them at all, only our moms talked and we waved sort of to each other since our parents expected us to. it was awkward and embarrassing.
made even worse that i was thinking about how we split apart during the car ride to the school the event was being hosted at. seeing them made me feel so weird. a weird stab of pain in my chest that made me want to cry, not because i was so sad, but because i just wanted release. it sounds so sad when i write it out like that but i kind of just felt weird kek
seeing them there, just pop out of the entrance to the gymnasium where i was seated on the third row of bleachers, it hit me and made me dwell on the weird situation that separated us again. mixed with the stress of interacting with new people i felt so weird and out of place.
made worse was them talking to their new friend. it felt so..WEIRD standing a foot away from them, watching them and a miscellaneous person laugh their asses off and be so close when we were once like that, but now we dont acknowledge each other at all anymore. glances between each other that would feel like nothing if we were strangers, but we both knew what happened, and suddenly those glances felt like judgement.
the event was public humiliation. we did the classics; sharks and minnows, cha cha slide dancing, line-up-in-a-line-oldest-to-youngest-without-talking, whatever. it was at this really nice school and i got jealous. at the end of the event i ate utz party mix chips (even though my favorite chips ever were there.....) and the cheeto looking things made my stomach hurt (fun fact: if i eat too much cheese i might die). two people were nice enough to start conversation with me. i met my tutee there, he was kinda crazy but it was kinda cool of him. thats all ill talk about that for now, im kinda gonna just shelf that experience and think about it later when i feel like a big boy
after the event, i went home and worked on my site some more. today was so boring, i ended up working on my history assignment like a fucking GEEEEk. i planned on spacing my progress on it some more so my 40 something minutes in class wouldnt just be me playing solitaire and loosing my mind from boredom and reorganizing my g**gle drive.
not to flex too hard cause im just so awesome but ive been so good at being on top of (sorry for teacher lingo) my assignments so far like. i have literally been so good at doing what im supposed to its becoming an issue.
sometime after i ate lunch and then some time after that i went grocery shopping with my family. i got green tea because i was craving some for some reaosn and my mom got >goat milk hand cream> as a new years gift for her coworker but i copped all of that shit, all 5 tubes.
i think thats its for today. not sure what else i should blog about. if you could see my face, imagine the expression of total indifference, with a slight droop of the mouth. ok, good night.