1/7/23 :: beat
i started writing this at 11:40 ish at 1/6 but i wrote so much its 1/7 now oops lol
im so tired; not physically per se, but mentally. i cried so much today for a stupid reason (phone problems; the person we second-hand purchased it from was a scammer (or stupid (or both))) and my dad kept yelling at me for no reason and IEHDLWDKEW im done explaining. it isnt worth explaining. it deserves to be compartmentalized into my head like all the other stupid things i cry for.
the second most recent reason (?) i guess ive cried is cause i flunked a spanish assignment with a barely pass in i think normal standards a soul crushing defeat for me.....16/20....and its 90% of my grade.....and i have to think of 10, new, gramatically correct, sentences.
i ranted abt this entire situation yesterday but i lost the blog accidentalyl and unlike most times i didnt save it in between paragraphs cause all my thoughts were just flowing out; stream of conciousness, and i was so pissed i just gave up. some amount of stress was alivated from my heart but this phone thing just brought back all the bad things again. they dont even matter that much! why is it dictating my mood! its just that it keeps piling up on me and i cant stop. i hate this.
and i make everything such a big deal and its only visible to me in hindsight. ill cry for 20 minutes then realize how stupid i am and finally stop and come to terms with it.
also the spanish thing again cause this is what bugs/hurts/pisses me the most off abt this. my teacher thinks i used google translate or at least heavily implied so. she mentioned like that she 'knows when someone uses google translate so i better not do it' like 2 times in our conversation. that sentiment hurst me so much cause like i think i try my hardest in spanish! its probably the subject im struggling in the most. i still have an A in the class but its so low i might as well be failing i fucking hate it the 90% that barely rounds up is just taunting me.
so yeah I DONT USE GOOGLE TRANSLATE TRUST PLEASE.
also the biggest mistake i made was for everytime i wanted to say "yo y mi madre/padre/amigo/etc" i fucking said "mi y mi ______" i am a fuckign idiot. everytime i think about that and remember thats probably one of the main reason i made 10+ mistakes on the test i enter my suicidal mindset again (jok)
i feel like all these tiny things means a big wave is coming. its like a limit is placed on how happy i can be. as soon as theres a small stretch of wins; good times in my life, something bad happens again and i feel like shit all over again. maybe its to be expected. maybe this is like and im uhhh this is life i guess. i feel so bad at living normally though.
i just realized how socially inept i can be. conversing with people at school i dont know is like the bane of my existence and i feel like every time im too comfortable around strangers im just making a fool of myself but i dont know how to reel it in. i feel like an idiot all around.
but im better than i was a few hours ago i think. i should blog more. thats one of the looser, not-so-fixed resolutions i have for the new year. its me subjecting a level of invasiveness into my life having a blog where i channel all my thoughts and vents and life into but at the same time its cathartic and i just want the chance, even if i dont know it, that somenoe relates to me.
ok bye. -lou 12:02